Emotional Roller Coaster

It’s been an emotional whirlwind of a day.  I woke up this morning with a spring in my step and a smile on my face.  I was really taken with the beauty of our children.  Not just mine, our collective children.  Their exuberance was palpable.  Today was the last day of school before the holiday break and those kids were ready to be done with school and onto bigger and better things. 

After I dropped off Kees I took the big kids to the Fernwood Campus and then went to get coffee for Kees’ teacher and myself.  I was going back to the school to walk Kees’ class over to Fernwood for a holiday celebration concert.  Coulter’s choir was going to sing.  It was his first concert and Kees and I were going to see it together. 

Watching the kids from Hollyrood all file over to Fernwood is quite an event.  Imagine almost 200 kids walking through the park.  It’s a beautiful thing.  They all arrived in the Cafetorium and in a very orderly fashion they found their designated spots.  Within 10 minutes the Cafetorium was packed with all the kids from kindergarten up to the 5^th grade.  On the stage was the BCS 3rd-5^th grade choir in all their cuteness.  And on the floor were the other 450 kids waiting patiently.  The choir sang about 10 songs and in between each song one of the big kids in 8^th grade would read a summery about a holiday from somewhere across our planet.  The audience sang along with some songs and just watched for others.  It was bliss.  I find it hard to believe what joy I get watching my kids thrive in their school.  It is a slice of perfection.  I welled up with tears of joy.

While watching this perfect vignette a message comes across the screen of my phone, “26 dead, 18 of them children, in Conn. school shooting.”   I gasped.  What is happening?  I pulled up the story and sat there, mouth agape.  I passed my phone and watched other shocked parents have the same visceral reaction that I had. 

The “show” concluded and I walked Kees’ class back to the school.  This experience was not nearly as carefree.  I watched our kids, our precious kids go back to their little Norman Rockwell school.  I know that the school in Connecticut was the same, that their parents felt the same way about their school that I do about ours. How could this happen?  What was he thinking?  What could make a person do such a thing?  Were there warning signs?  Why is there so much violence?  Is there nowhere where our children are safe?

I kissed Kees good-bye and walked home in a numb haze.  When I got home I turned on the TV and sat there dumb founded.  I saw the grief on parents’ faces.  I saw pictures of terrified kids.   I saw hundreds of armed men running around an elementary school.  Good God!  I cried… 

I had to turn off the TV.  It was too painful.

I tried to go about my day, I had a lot to do, but it was exceedingly difficult.  I had gifts to put together for our administrators.  I thank God for those women at our school.  They are amazing.  And then the face of the principal of Sandy Hook Elementary came to mind and the tears started again.   I placed some sweets in the bag of goodies….more tears.  We are so blessed with the dedication of our teachers and administrators.  Tears.  Deep breaths.  I wrote a note to the principal and vice principal at BCS.  There is no way to convey to them how much I appreciate what they do but I try.  It is extraordinarily hard to write because my hand is shaking.  More tears….

I go to the “big” school and deliver my packages.  I see our principal and I want to hug her but that would be weird.  I know she is shaken.  I try to speak and it takes everything in my power not to burst into tears.  We look at each other and don’t say anything, we just shake our heads.  I finally hand her the gift and just say, “Man, what a day.  Here’s a little something for you to say thank you.”  She is grateful. 

I stay at the school because at 1:30 there is a middle school dance, Sophia’s first dance.  I will be a chaperone.  She will be mortified.  She has asked me many times, “Why?  WHY?”  I stick with my standard answer, “Because I promised you from the day you were born that I would be at your dances and I do not break my promises.”  Each time she smiles and looks worried. 

The problem is it’s only 1:00.  I wander the halls looking lost.  I finally leave to get a bite to eat.  In the chaos of the day I forgot to eat.  I get in the car and there is more information on the radio.  Again, I cry.  I waste a half hour and then return to the school.

When I get into the Cafetorium it is transformed from the fine arts theater it had been in the morning to Studio 54.  There were lights, loud music, blinking colored lights, boisterous kids and a concession stand.  I got to assist with the concessions.  There was candy, soda, hats, boas….all sorts of silly things and the kids “needed” it all.  When Sophia saw me she didn’t run.  As a matter of fact she even let me take pictures.  Again, I welled up with tears.  This time it was tears of joy.  I see our principal and she too is full of joy to see our kids having so much fun.  She says, “They are such good kids.”  And they are. 

The kids jump, scream lyrics, dance in groups, laugh and buy junk from the concession stand.  Again our perfect little school and our beautiful kids make me cry.  We are so blessed. 

I have to leave the dance a few minutes early because I have to pick up Kees at the little school.  All the parents are in a fog.  I talk to a few friends and we’re all feeling the same thing, great sadness, shock and love for our children.  When the kids come out each parent collects their little person and I see many embraces.  Embraces that are a little longer, looks that are a little more grateful.  I catch the eye of a friend who is hugging her little girl and with out saying a word we convey, “Thank God our children are safe.” In just a look.  She knows, I know.  I get Kees and can’t get enough of him. We walk home hand in hand.  The little things mean so much. 

Sophia and Coulter walk home.  When they’re all home I sit them down right in front of me and I tell them the kid version of what happened.  I explain that they can ask me questions or just talk to daddy or me about it.  They understand. 

Tonight I have my family around me and I am grateful.  My children are safe and happy.  They’re excited for Christmas.  aI am happy but also mourning for the families in Connecticut.  I cannot imagine their pain.  I don’t want to.  It is too hard even this far removed. 

I am exhausted from the highs and lows of today.  I will never be the same.  I will pray.  I am glad that I have this outlet.  How do we move forward?  How do we stop these things from happening?  I wish I knew. 

Peace……a

Tough Times

Raising kids can be a challenge and be fun. Raising kids can be trying and exciting and so much more. Today it was trying really trying.....

Sophia is turning 9 on Saturday. She is having a slumber party with about 6 kids coming over. It was hard to narrow it down but she made her list. When we were reviewing her list there was one glaring hole in it. I noticed that she had not invited one of her best friends. We'll call her Meg for the sake of this blog.

Sophia and Meg are good friends but sometimes they have disagreements. When they do they can be pretty cold to each other. Meg's mom and I are good friends and have helped them work through some of their issues in the past. We sit them down, let them talk and we interject where appropriate and try to teach them how to talk to each other. So far they have done pretty well when we have these talks. Meg's mom and I have been proud of them for how they have handled themselves.

When I asked Sophia why Meg wasn't on the list she said that she was worried that in a group Meg and she might have an argument. If that happened it could polarize her party. She didn't use that word but that is the general idea of what she said. I said I understood her reasoning but didn't she think it would hurt Meg's feelings. She said she wouldn't talk about the party at school. I knew that it would get out but I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to force her to change the guest list for her party.

The Evite went out on Tuesday I think. I didn't hear much of anything from anyone for a few days. Over the weekend I heard that some of the kids at school were talking about Sophia's party.

Here's where I am the heal. I didn't talk to Megs mom. I didn't know what to say or honestly, how to explain it. Meg is a nice kid and I REALLY didn't want to hurt her feelings. I had a busy week and pushed it to the back of my mind in hopes that somehow it would just pass uneventfully.

I can tell you this much.....saying nothing was NOT the thing to do. Over the weekend Meg and Meg's mom not only knew but were dealing with Meg's feelings over what was happening. I consider myself to be honest, up front and unafraid to address adversity even if it is uncomfortable. I would rather face an issue and deal with the consequences then run around it and pretend it wasn't happening.

I called Meg's mom and tried to apologize. We were both upset. She was sad and grieving for her daughter's feelings and I was sorry for the whole situation. Sorry I didn't have a better solution in the first place. Sorry that I didn't talk to Meg's mom right away. Sorry I couldn't help Sophia be graceful in a tough situation. Sorry that now Sophia was feeling bad and upset and Meg was hurt. Just sorry all the way around. We talked for a short while. She assured me that it would be alright and I hope it will be. We are all mama bears when it comes to our children. When they are hurt it is our responsibility to make it better. Then the next time to protect them and teach them. I hope I am doing that now.

I told Sophia about my conversation with Meg's mom. I told her that we needed to make this right. And if we couldn't make it right, we needed to try and make it better. We talked for a while and she decided to try and call Meg. She couldn't get through and left a message. She'll see Meg at school tomorrow and is a bit nervous about that. I don't blame her. Having to deal with a friend that you have hurt is hard. It's hard but it is REALLY important to face these issues head on. I am confidant that I have taught her that. We need to accept our part in a situation when we have hurt someone.

So that is where I stand in this tough time. I hope Meg's mom and I can get past this. I feel terrible that I perpetrated some of the hurt and I could have addressed it immediately with her. I wish I had the right answer. I still don't know what that is. Hurting a young girl's feelings is definitely not the right thing.

May you move gracefully through tomorrow, next week and forever and wish me the same. Right now I really need it.

Listening

God gave us 2 ears and only 1 mouth. That's what they say. I know that it's true that most of us speak more than we should and listen much less than we should. I am in that category. It is hard to listen to small people all day especially when they need something all the time. I do not know how many times a kid can say, "mom" before they'll give up but I know it's a LOT. And not only do they say it repeatedly, they say it often. As a matter of fact, it feels like most of their sentences (with in my ear shot) start with "mom." And then it is usually followed by a request.

"Mom, can I have some milk?" - I so look forward to when they can do that them selves.

"Mom, can I have a treat" - I get so sick of hearing that! It's NOT a treat if you get them all the time!

"Mom, can we go to the zoo, OMSI, park." - They pretty much want to be anywhere but where they are.

"Mom, I'm hungry." - Even though the last meal was 20 minutes ago and they didn't like it...no matter what it was.

"Mom, can we watch a show?" - No TV during the week here and it's sometimes said right after watching TV on the weekend.

I am sure you get the idea. My point being that sometimes I shut down my hearing because it's just a lot of noise after a while.

This morning I was in the boys room and I asked Coulter to get dressed. No response. I asked him again. No response.

Then I yelled, "Coulter, get dressed!"

He said, "I heard you the first time mom."

I said, "Well how would I know that? You didn't respond to me."

And he drops the bomb, "You don't always answer when I say mom"

So now I am in a quandary. He has a point. My initial thought is, "I am the mom so I should get to pull the "mom card" out." Except, I am also teaching him how to respond to people when they are trying to get your attention. I don't respond every time I hear, "mom" because I feel like it would make me crazy. That and it is very often when I am on the phone, in the middle of a sentence, talking to someone or when I am in the middle of doing something that requires concentration. It's hard to step away from whatever you are doing and totally stop, move in another direction and then pick up where you left off. It's almost impossible to pick up where you left off. This means that if the kids are around it takes almost double (sometimes more) the time that it would take to do ANYTHING then if they were not interrupting. I am not trying to say it's right not to respond, it's just what happens.

Then there are times where I really listen. Usually these are the times when I have slowed down and really listened with my ears and am able to carry the related experience in my heart. Today Sophia received a tea set from her Oma Sally and Grandma Nicki. She was very excited. She asked me right then if I could have tea with her. I said, "Right now? No." I was making dinner. But then I thought about the timing and decided the chicken wasn't quite done defrosting and would take about 15 more minutes. Yes, on second thought I could stop. So I said, "Let me make some tea and we'll talk." Today was the first day of school so it really was a bit important. She was very happy.

I sat down. She poured. We both added milk and sugar and sipped from our tiny cups. She told me about her day and I just listened. She didn't have too much to say so I had to ask lots of questions. That is part of good listening, knowing what questions to ask. She filled in the blanks and I just took it in. She was so happy with her tea set and all of mom's attention.

Meanwhile in the other room the boys were playing with a board and peg set. As I listened to Sophia sweetly tell me about her day the boys were playing rough and tumble. Earlier they had built a McDonalds with a drive through, multiple levels with ramps and even a porch. They did it together and played really nicely. Coulter explained the whole structure to me and how it worked. I was very impressed with his ingenuity and ability to explain it. They were very proud of their work.

Now they were playing loudly, I could hear pegs crash together and then hit the floor. Simultaneously, the boys were in hysterics each time this happened. While this sounded like fun I thought I had better check it out. Sometimes fun turns into NO FUN in a matter of seconds. When I came around the corner they were laughing so hard that Coulter was almost falling down. They were building swords out of the pegs and then smashing them together which would then send the pegs flying all over the room.

If you don't have boys I am sure you wouldn't understand how you would allow this in your house. If you do have boys, then it's just a Tuesday. It was funny and not very dangerous. This is another thing that you have to adjust to when you have boys. You need a danger scale. Anything under a "4" that really does look like fun you decided to let go. I have been on a learning curve with this one. Yes, sometimes they get hurt but it goes with "boy" territory.

So listening is different at different times. The day to day, "mom, mom, mom" can make you nuts. When you decided to really stop and listen it so often pays off in ways you don't expect. Dinner was a little later then I had planed but that was fine. I could have worked through that time tidying up the kitchen but I didn't. I made time for my kids. Again, I learn something. Or maybe I am just reminded of what I already know in my heart, that when I take the time to stop and listen we are all better off.

Alfred E Newman

Coulter is a funny boy. He makes me laugh, he is a bit mischievous, is high strung and sometimes he is a bit sensitive. I took this picture yesterday and immediately I thought of Alfred E. Newman. Come on.... Less the red hair that could be him! So I sent it out to a few family members. A couple got it, a couple didn't know who that was. Then I put the pictures side by side with Alfred E. Newman on the right and Coulter on the left. It was all in one frame. It was hilarious.

I posted it on Facebook. Immediately I got comments. Apparently it wasn't just me that thought he was a ringer. So me, thinking I am so cleaver, showed Coulter. I said, "Hey, come here I want to show you something." He saw the pictures side by side and burst into tears. I said, "What's the matter?" And he crumpled into my lap and said, "THAT'S MEAN!" I said, "I didn't mean to be mean. I thought it was funny." And he said, "It's NOT. It's MEEEAAAAN." I clicked it closed and told him I had deleted it. We chatted and I said I was sorry and could we be friends again. He said, "yes." but I really did hurt his feelings.

After he went to bed I got to thinking. I love my boy and I don't want him to ever feel less then special, less than beautiful or less then anything! So I did do it. I deleted it from Facebook, I even deleted it from my computer. After I deleted it from everywhere I felt better. So I know that I did the right thing. I know that if he were sitting by me sometime and it popped up he would feel betrayed and I do not want that. I love him and he needs to trust me. It is the little things that we remember when we grow up. Some of the things that I remember about my childhood are moments from day to day living. They aren't anything that you would call monumental or even, possibly, notable. Yet there they are, the moments that are imprinted on my mind, my soul. I hope this wasn't one of those moments for him. I certainly didn't do it to hurt him. And more then anything I want him to know that I honored his feelings by following through on my promise to delete it. I am not sure what about it was so hurtful to a 5 year old, very silly boy, but it is now gone and that is what matters most.

I love you Coulter.

Weekend So Far

So far so good. Last night our friends the Stewarts came over for dinner. The kids played and later watched a movie. All the adults sat on the front deck. It's really nice to be able to sit outside again. I look forward to that all winter .

This morning I slept in and Bob brought me breakfast in bed. Who doesn't like that? Right after that Sophia and I rode our bike (and tag along) over to Laurelhurst to join Julie, Gracie and Bobby for coffee. On our way I noticed that the Hollywood Market was open for the first time this season. Yippee! That is a sure sign of Spring. At coffee Sophia sat on my lap a couple times between playing with her buddies. I looked at her and wondered what happened to my baby. She is getting so beautiful and grown up. I really enjoy spending time with her and am so glad that she'll still sit on my lap. When we had finished our coffee we rode back to the market where we walked through just to get the feeling of it. Sophia was my little motor on the hills. I was calling her "Power Legs." She thought that was funny.

When we got home Coulter was in tears. He wanted to go on a bike ride and have lunch with me. We talked, he calmed down and I agreed to take him out on a ride and to lunch. He was very excited and ran and got his dollar so he could buy me lunch. So dang cute.

We went to Foster and Dobbs for lunch and had a fine time. He made conversation with the woman behind the counter and she helped him decide what kind of sandwich to get. Grilled cheese was the decision. We decided to split the sandwich and we each got a beverage, orange San Pellegrino. Yum. Coulter's friend told him that he should wait to pay until after lunch to make sure he liked it. We sat down and had a really sweet conversation. It's fun to share time like this just one on one. The time when I have nothing but time and open ears is so great. He just talked about his school play and was either telling me about a dream or a story he was making up. I don't know. I wasn't paying too much attention to what he was saying I was just looking into his eyes and and taking him in, all of him. My sweet boy so beautiful and innocent. And on top of all that he was buying me lunch. He was very proud of himself.

When he had enough of his sandwich he decided that it was good and that it was worth paying for. He went up to the counter and talked to his friend. He gave her his dollar for which she thanked him. I then went and paid the balance, trying to keep that from him. I bought some special cheese so I think he thought I was paying for that alone.

Next we went and got some mango sorbet. He said I needed to pay for that since he used all his money on lunch. Alright then. He had his sorbet and again filled the air with his words and I just drank him in. It started to rain but we didn't care, "We can just change clothes at home mom." That's my good northwest boy.

Kees gets time each week when the other two are in school so we have our special time then. It is really special to have time with each of the kids on their own. It's hard to get individual time especially when I have a totally free mind and can give them my full attention. Today it all just worked out.

This weekend hasn't been extraordinary by most people's standards but I have really enjoyed being in the moment with and for my kids. Man I love those babies and I am grateful to feel them so deeply in my soul.

What To Do, What To Do?

I love to snuggle with my kids. Some of the finest time is that time early in the morning when my kids come in, I wake up and we all just snuggle and chat. I love it. We have no adgenda just a love fest. That being said....

Our boys climbed in bed with us this morning. When I say this morning I mean some time after mid night. I know when we went to bed around 11:00 there were no kids there. Bob got up at 5:30 to get ready for the day. That was his plan all along. As soon as I heard the shower turn off I went in to start my day. I had been awake since 5:15 why lay there and prolong the agony?

When I went into the bathroom Bob and I chatted. We have tried reasoning with the kids but that has not worked. So we need to come up with better alternatives. Here are a few of the options we came up with to keep the kids out of our bed room.

#1 - Barbed wire. This would definately challenge the kids. If they didn't have good wire cutters I think we would be "safe."

#2 - A mine field. This was Bob's suggestion but I think it's too harsh so that is out! They need to be able to see the danger.

#3 - An invisible fence. This has real promise. I think a couple of good shocks could keep them away with out causing permanenet damage.

But then I laid back down for a moment and felt their warm little bodies, their soft hair and warm sweet breath and thought do I really want them out for good? No. They will stay away soon enough and I know when that happens I will really miss having small people in bed with me. So for the time being I will lose sleep because I am being kicked or just pushed out of bed. I may be tired but I am going to try and savor this time so I can really remember it with my soul.

Combat Zone

Some mornings are smooth and others are not. Today started out well enough. Sophia climbed in bed with me at 6:30 and we snuggled for a half hour before we got started with our day. We laughed and talked. Kees was in bed with us too, he had been there for a while. Sneaky little dude. Sophia is really excited because today she gets to show her class an invention. She and her daddy put together a couple of lights (red and green) that will indicate whether her brothers are allowed to come in her room. The switches will be inside her room and the lights outside.

At 7 I got out of bed to wake Coulter and then I went to take a shower. Still all good. While I was in the shower Coulter came in with his clothes so he could get dressed in front of the heater in my bathroom. Great. Sohpia got dressed too. I got out, got dressed myself and then with a bit of a battle, got Kees dressed. This is going well.....

I start down toward the kitchen at 7:45 to make breakfast and lunches. It's a few minutes later then usual and we have to leave at 8:05. I announce, "You're all having cereal today. What kind do you want?" Coulter says, "I want eggs." Me, "Nope. You are having cereal." Coulter starts screaming at me. Not cool dude! I take a quick inventory and there are only 2 kinds of cereal, Cherios and Chex and there is no milk upstairs. Kees says he wants hot cereal. Actually we do have hot cereal. OK. The hot cereal only takes a minute in the microwave so I pop it in. I start down the stairs. Coulter is following me screaming, "I WANT EGGS." Seriously dude, you are in danger of being in big trouble. When I reach the bottom of the stairs I can hardly move because once again, the kids have taken all of the blankets in the basement, all the pillows, the gymnastics mats and all of the stuffed animals, oh, and a bag of garbage just for fun, and stacked them all at the base of the stairs. I can't get past it. I climb over it all. I get milk, eggs (not for today but we're out upstairs), Smuckers PB and J's (for lunches), cheese sticks (lunches) and drinks for lunches.

As I am going back up Coulter is still yelling, "I WANT EGGS!" I yell back, "It's not going to HAPPEN! YOU ARE HAVING CEREAL!" He'll take hot cereal. I have anticipated this and made enough for Kees and Coulter. As I am divying up the cereal I am yelling about the junk at the bottom of the stairs. "You guys need to pick up after yourselves. It is really frustrating for me when I have to go downstairs and walk into a giant mess. The basement was clean yesterday and now it's a giant mess. I can get rid of all your stuff and it would certainly be easier for me. What do you think of that?" Sophia says, "We're just kids." I say, "I don't care. You need to help. There are 5 of us in this house and I am the one picking up stuff most of the time. Daddy does when he is home but he's been pretty busy lately." Sophia, "I forgot." And I yell, "Stop forgetting!" Seriously, I forgot? Am I suppose to take that as an excuse?

The boys have their breakfast and I ask Sophia what she wants. She says she'll take Life. I don't have any but there is some downstairs. I go back down. I pick up some of the crap at the bottom of the stairs and shove it on the day bed. I then throw the pillows across the room to the approximate location that they belong in. I grab the Life and head back up the stairs.

When I get up stairs Sophia is gone. I yell, "SOPHIA!!! WHERE ARE YOU?" She yells from upstairs, "I am up here." I yell, "GET DOWN HERE NOW!" She comes stomping down. I say, "What were you doing?" She says, "You scared me." I ask, "Have I ever hit you or hurt you?" She says, "No. But I thought you were mad about having to go get the Life and I thought that other stuff was life." She points to the Chex. I tell her I was not mad about going to get the cereal. That I am frustrated about the mess and the fact that they never clean them up. I also don't like everyone yelling at me when I am trying to get them all fed and make lunches. I pour her cereal and they all eat. I make lunches feeling like a total jerk the whole time. I know I shouldn't yell but it just makes me crazy and "We forgot" is such a lame excuse and I know it's BS! "We didn't want to clean it up." That's real. That's the truth.

So now I need to get my child raising bible back out. Taking Charge by JoAnne Nordling is my go to book when I need help. Check it out sometime.

Right before we all walk out the door I collect my kids together. We all group hug. I tell them that being a mom is hard and that I am sorry that I yelled so much. I also tell them that they need to help me. That when they leave all their things at the bottom of the stairs if I am not paying attention I could get really hurt. If I fall down and break my leg who is going to make breakfast and lunches? They look at me like, "Yeah, who?" They say they are sorry too. We all hug and say we'll all try to do better.

So that was my morning. Even though the yelling was 20 minutes of it it takes up 90% of what my mind remembers as this morning. By the time they all went to school we were hugging and kissing good bye. Being a mom is hard. They ARE little or "just kids" as Sophia says. But I know they can clean up. They do it at school all the time. Even Kees and he's 3 so I know it can be done. Taking Charge here I come.

May tomorrow morning be a better morning.

Gratitude in Your Heart

...........................................So Bob has been out of town all week. We all went to drop him off at the airport on Sunday evening. This was good because it involves the kids and Bob took us out for dinner on Kaiser. I hope I don't get him in trouble by posting that but really, Kaiser owes me. Dinner was pretty good and Sophia and Coulter were really well behaved. That being said, Kees was not. He wouldn't sit still, wouldn't eat anything but french fries, kept poking Coulter and was generally annoying. He is going through a really annoying phase. I guess that is his right since he is only 3 but I am done with that so he should be too. Have I mentioned that I DO know it's not about me I just have a hard time fully accepting that.

After dinner we all gathered in the area before security and said good bye to daddy / Bob. The moment he turned his back they all started in, "Can we go to the play structure? Can we? Can we?" I will tell you that using the term "play structure" is a stretch. I give in, we go. They all run around this thing like it's Disneyland. At first it's fine but 20 minutes in there are 15 kids running around and I think, "There is going to be an accident." So it's time to go. They are pretty good about leaving.

We walk through the terminal toward the car. They're all lagging behind. "Can we ride the elevator?" "Can we go up and down the escalator?" "Can I go on the evegator?" (that's Kees, the evegator, I love that.) We ride the elevator, get out and are approaching the car when Sophia says, "I can't wait for daddy to get home." And I say, "Meee tooo" apparently with a lot of attitude in my voice. Sophia stops and says to me, "Why do you always say it like that?" I say, "What do you mean?" and she says, "Like we're a pain in the ass." I stop dead in my tracks. She's right. I said it exactly like that. Like my beautiful, wonderful, healthy and generally well behaved children are inconveniencing me. I feel about 2 inches tall and am shocked into her reality. And I know that if she is able to articulate that, that her brothers feel it too. I walk around the car and get in facing her in her seat. I say, "I am so sorry. You're right I did say it like that but I don't mean it. I'm not going to do that again because I love you very much and you are not a pain in the ass. We are going to have fun this week. Sophia, I am really, really sorry. Do you forgive me?" She says she does but it still stings. I still feel badly thinking about it. If she said it now she must have been feeling it for a while.

I remember when she was a baby and you could say whatever you wanted around her. As she grew we all learned to refrain from certain words. Then, of course, we went to spelling. And until last weekend it hadn't occurred to me to worry about my inflection. They say that body language is 90+% of what we convey and isn't inflection verbal body language? We can all say, "Are you wearing that?" in 50 different ways. Some are excited like we love it and others are completely condescending and rude. And I, by saying that I couldn't wait for daddy to come home conveyed a message that I never intended. I meant it, but didn't intend it for the kids. So I have learned a very valuable lesson. First that I need to be very careful about how I say things. Kids are smart, very smart and they know what we mean. They carry things around in their hearts so we must be careful what we put there. And secondly, I needed to adjust my attitude, and I have. I need to be grateful for my time with them and I am. I need to be grateful that my husband has a good job and I am. I need to be grateful for my smart, wonderful kids and I am. So rather then just adjusting my inflection I have tried to take a different perspective, a perspective of gratitude. We all get busy and in those times we can treat our kids as a bother and they feel that. I am trying to show them that I have gratitude and that is what is most important. I want them to carry gratitude not sadness in their hearts.

So It's been a pretty good week. We got a new movie and they have all seen it twice. We don't usually have TV during the week but this week was different, plus they didn't have school on Monday or Tuesday. We've eaten pizza, had play dates, friends came over for dinner, we've done art and I even got to chaperon a field trip with Sophia's class. I love my kids so much that I can't imagine my life without them. I am grateful for their existence and for my opportunity to raise and support them. They are little people with all the same feelings and perceptions as big people I just needed a reminder of that. So now I am going to carry gratitude in my heart and let that be the feeling that's inflected in my voice.

Summer into Fall

Summer is over. It seemed like 10 minutes or so. Really, follow my logic. It is true that time goes so much faster when you get older. I mean, if you do the math...... When you are 5 then a summer is 1/20 of your life. That is a lot of life. When you are 43 then it's only 1/172 of your life. In the life of a mature person (at first glance I appear mature) that is like a blink of an eye if it were a day. To a kid 1/20 would be an hour and almost 15 minutes. To me 1/172 is like 8 and a half minutes. That's nothing. And considering that it felt like "nothing" we did a lot.

When summer started my intention was to do enough that the kids weren't bored but not to over schedule so much that I was going crazy. Yes, that was my intention. I scheduled 4 camps for Sophia and only 2 for Coulter. He's 4 and he and Kees who is 3 are playing quite well together right now. I don't want to burden myself with playing with Kees. Yikes!

We had 12 weeks so 4 camps didn't seem like too much. So that was my plan, camps and a few family trips. Early in June a friend invited us to her beautiful home on Whidbey Island. You can't pass that up. We had a yard sale one Saturday in June. Then we planned a family trip for almost a week around the 4th of July. My uncle came from the east coast to celebrate his birthday at my mom's house so that meant a weekend trip. It was good fun and a mini reunion. We had our second annual Pool Party on one Saturday. We always go to the San Juans for a week in August. And that is even more awesome then it sounds. I went to visit a friend in California for a long weekend. Toss in an over night with girl friends. My husband and I stole a weekend away with just the two of us at the end of August. And most recently, my brother and his wife took the kids to the beach for a weekend and Bob and I just stayed home. In between all that toss in nightly swimming, swim lessons, days at the park, dinner with friends, bike rides, a few sleep overs and some play dates. So which of those would you cut out? Think about it for a moment. Which ones? Exactly, you can't. Each thing is different, fun and something that we've either wanted to do for a while or wouldn't come up again.

So toward the end of our summer I felt like I was in the middle of a major work out. I was working hard to make sure we were on time to everything, dressed in the right thing, packing the right stuff and being certain that the kids had any and all things they might want or need. That is my nature. If one of my kids needs a band aid, I have it at the ready. Don't even get me started on my "going to the park" packing. I'll just say this, it involves a tent. If we are going in the car for more than 15 minutes I am sure to have snacks, drinks and depending on my mood, a movie. But for some reason that all changed mid August. I wanted to sit still but I didn't want to miss anything. ANYTHING! And that is really a first for me, the sitting still part. A couple of times I was able to just get in the car and go. Did you know you can buy drinks and snacks almost anywhere? Really, there are these great little stores all over the place that have gas, food, drinks and much more. You would think that I just survived in Death Valley for a week the way I fret about getting ready to get in the car. Even I saw that it was nuts. So I was able to calm down and just enjoy the last few little trips and weekend events. I sure hope this lesson lasts until next summer. I know that it isn't going to get any slower or less busy. To the contrary, as the kids get older, they will have more obligations and we will have less family time. How can that be? I am trying to get mentally prepared for at least the next 20 summers. That should get Kees through college. Who knows, by then Sophia could have kids and then I'll probably have them for summers. This kid thing is really involved, isn't it?

I am glad the fall is here. I need a few cooler days, some weekends at home and maybe even some rain. Oh, and for the presidential election to be over but that is a whole other rant. The kids are all in school, routines are starting to develope and I have a few minutes to breath every now and then. I can feel my heart start to slow and can complete some projects that were put away in May. Tomorrow all the kids are in school until noon so I am going to enjoy fall. I am going to drop them off, pick up a cup of coffee and enjoy a nice cool morning and the fact that the only thing planned this weekend is an ice cream social at the boys preschool. It's close to home so I don't have to gas up and by it's nature I don't have to pack snacks.

A Mother of Three; Privilege or Punishment....Mostly Privilege

Well this is the first of many to come.....I think. Being a mother of 3 is interesting, challenging, frustrating, rewarding, joyful, maddening and a true privilege. There are days that I love my job and there are days when I want to resign even though that is not an option. Any mom who says that every day is a walk in the park is a friggin' lier.

When your 3 year old (who knows better) poops all over himself and then cries because he is "dirty" it is not a great time. When your 7 year old has just come home from a weekend at the beach and then whines because she is now bored it is not a great time. And when your 4 year old goes in after the housekeeper already has cleaned and "cleans" the bathroom with hair spray, that is NOT a great time. Of course it all balances out when they tell you they love you, they make you a special art gift or of course, when they are sleeping. Man they are beautiful when they sleep. Maybe that is because at that moment all their indiscretions are washed away and the only thing you can see is your beautiful baby and all their potential. This is just the universes way of sucking you in and getting you to recommit each day to the job that you have to do. The privilege, the pain and everything in between.

So today I feel lucky to be the mother of 3. Actually, even when I am ranting about my frustrations, I usually have a smirk on my face as I type. I know that when I read my rant I will laugh. Most of the things that I write would be hilarious if it happened to someone else. So I write them for the people that my kids will be someday and the mom that will forget the hard / funny times when the kids were little. I can hardly remember what I had for breakfast today let alone who did what when. I have to write it down so I can keep my stories straight and remember the details. Today I am wild about my kids both internally and externally. Check back soon because on the surface I may feel differently then.