Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Coulter's Experience So Far

Many of my friends have asked how school is going for Coulter. It has only been two weeks as of tomorrow but I am hopeful for his first year at the Ivy School.  As I wrote previously, he missed his first day of school and I was worried for him but he bounced back and had a great first day.  They spent the first couple days getting to know each other and talking about how the classroom will function.  

On the following Monday, he was excited to go to school and that had not happened for quite some time.  I got a call around 1pm from a teacher.  She called to tell me about an incident that involved Coulter.  She said, "Everything is fine and Coulter is fine." to assure me Coulter wasn't hurt or anything.  She explained that a kid in his class had bullied him.  She was talked to but didn't back down.  She eventually pushed Coulter and one of the teachers witnessed it.  She was taken to the office, her mother was called, and she was sent home. That is the information I got from the school.  

Coulter experienced bullying at his last school and I was very worried about him and how he would respond to this situation.  I went to pick him up so I could be there and support him.  I was a little early so I waited anxiously in the lobby, I worried.  Five minutes later he came out of his classroom smiling and with a bounce in his step.  Wha???? I asked, "How was your day?" He said, "Great!" I was confused but happy for him.  

On the way home I explained the phone call I received and asked him about it.  He told me that the class was listening to a story and he and this girl had a disagreement about the interpretation.  She was loud and getting in his space. He rolled his eyes at her and that was what pushed her over the edge.  She said, "You rolled your eyes at me and now I am going to bully you all year long."  She proceeded to shove him periodically throughout the day.  She lunged at him, tried to trip him and grumbled at him under her breath.  I asked if he talked to a teacher.  He said that he did but it wasn't until he was pushed and caught by the teacher that they physically stepped in.  They talked to her earlier but it hadn't made an impact.  Coulter then said that she was sent home.  

He couldn't put it into words why he was happy that afternoon but I think it was because he felt supported and cared for.  Instead of hearing, "You need to work it out." as he had so often in the past, they did something about it.  He seemed to let the whole incident roll off his back.  In fact, he talked about the new friends he made, the games the class played and how they got a long recess and lots of freedom to move around.  His focus was right where it needed to be, on the positive.  This made my heart swell with pride and joy.  He had handled it perfectly by using words and not being aggressive back.  And the school handled it perfectly by stopping a physical situation with real consequences.  

The next day I drove Coulter to school to talk to the teachers and ask if he had done something more to antagonize the girl.  They confirmed his story, it was just the eye roll.  As I was getting ready to leave, one of the teachers pointed out the girl's mother, then walked with me, and introduced us.  The girl's mother was glad to meet me and was a kind and responsive mother.  Just how I like them.  She, like me, is not a parent that thinks or says, "My kid would never do that!"  She actually said, "I know when someone says your daughter did _________.  She did it."

We chatted and this girl's mother told me some back ground on her daughter.  She wasn't making excuses but explaining.  It made a lot of sense.  Then the daughter walked by and the mother said, "Hey X, this is Coulter's mom.  We are on the same page with how our kids need to act."  And then she gave her the mother's all knowing stare.  It wasn't said out loud but I heard...... "Girl, do you see this mother and I?  We are on the same page and you better fall in line."  The daughter nodded affirmingly and went to class.  Her mother then said, "She knows we are onto her.  She knows we are talking and this will make a difference."  She was a lovely lady and I was grateful to know we could talk.  I told her if Coulter did or does anything that I need to know about to please let me know.  We agreed to stay in touch.

Over the next few days I asked Coulter about the girl.  For a few days there wasn't much to report other than she wasn't bugging him.  A few days later, he reported that she sat as the same table as he did at lunch.  I asked, "How was she?" and he said, "Fine."  I asked, "Why do you think she was nice?" and he reported, "I think her mom scared the crap out of her." And then he laughed heartily. 

Since then I have talked to the mom who told me that her daughter said, "Coulter is actually pretty nice."  The mother also had an interaction with Coulter and reported that he was very polite and charming.  I told her,  "He better be or else.... "  We laughed.  

The rest of his week was great.  They all learned how to navigate the classroom and their day.  Coulter made a few friends and now has a new best friend, Lily.  There is lots of movement.  They get a full hour of recess daily.  The time spent learning is in bigger chunks and open to interpretatiion on how they learn. The Montessori method seems to be working for him.  

After being so concerned about where to send him and not knowing what to do to help him, I am grateful.  I am grateful we found a place where Coulter can be Coulter and not have to worry about being different or bullied.  I am grateful that he feels safe and secure.  I am grateful that he is strong and has a positive outlook.  I am grateful that Coulter can learn how he needs to learn.  So far it's all great.  I pray that it stays this way for him.  He is so much happier and that makes me smile.  He helps when I ask him to and has generally been agreeable.  This has been a great ride.  JOY!!!! ……that is what I have to say about my feelings for Coulter’s experience at his new school.  I'll keep you posted.  

Coulter's Experience So Far

Many of my friends have asked how school is going for Coulter. It has only been two weeks as of tomorrow but I am hopeful for his first year at the Ivy School.  As I wrote previously, he missed his first day of school and I was worried for him but he bounced back and had a great first day.  They spent the first couple days getting to know each other and talking about how the classroom will function.  

On the following Monday, he was excited to go to school and that had not happened for quite some time.  I got a call around 1pm from a teacher.  She called to tell me about an incident that involved Coulter.  She said, "Everything is fine and Coulter is fine." to assure me Coulter wasn't hurt or anything.  She explained that a kid in his class had bullied him.  She was talked to but didn't back down.  She eventually pushed Coulter and one of the teachers witnessed it.  She was taken to the office, her mother was called, and she was sent home. That is the information I got from the school.  

Coulter experienced bullying at his last school and I was very worried about him and how he would respond to this situation.  I went to pick him up so I could be there and support him.  I was a little early so I waited anxiously in the lobby, I worried.  Five minutes later he came out of his classroom smiling and with a bounce in his step.  Wha???? I asked, "How was your day?" He said, "Great!" I was confused but happy for him.  

On the way home I explained the phone call I received and asked him about it.  He told me that the class was listening to a story and he and this girl had a disagreement about the interpretation.  She was loud and getting in his space. He rolled his eyes at her and that was what pushed her over the edge.  She said, "You rolled your eyes at me and now I am going to bully you all year long."  She proceeded to shove him periodically throughout the day.  She lunged at him, tried to trip him and grumbled at him under her breath.  I asked if he talked to a teacher.  He said that he did but it wasn't until he was pushed and caught by the teacher that they physically stepped in.  They talked to her earlier but it hadn't made an impact.  Coulter then said that she was sent home.  

He couldn't put it into words why he was happy that afternoon but I think it was because he felt supported and cared for.  Instead of hearing, "You need to work it out." as he had so often in the past, they did something about it.  He seemed to let the whole incident roll off his back.  In fact, he talked about the new friends he made, the games the class played and how they got a long recess and lots of freedom to move around.  His focus was right where it needed to be, on the positive.  This made my heart swell with pride and joy.  He had handled it perfectly by using words and not being aggressive back.  And the school handled it perfectly by stopping a physical situation with real consequences.  

The next day I drove Coulter to school to talk to the teachers and ask if he had done something more to antagonize the girl.  They confirmed his story, it was just the eye roll.  As I was getting ready to leave, one of the teachers pointed out the girl's mother, then walked with me, and introduced us.  The girl's mother was glad to meet me and was a kind and responsive mother.  Just how I like them.  She, like me, is not a parent that thinks or says, "My kid would never do that!"  She actually said, "I know when someone says your daughter did _________.  She did it."

We chatted and this girl's mother told me some back ground on her daughter.  She wasn't making excuses but explaining.  It made a lot of sense.  Then the daughter walked by and the mother said, "Hey X, this is Coulter's mom.  We are on the same page with how our kids need to act."  And then she gave her the mothers all knowing stare.  It wasn't said out loud but I heard...... "Girl, do you see this mother and I?  We are on the same page and you better fall in line."  The daughter nodded affirmingly and went to class.  Her mother then said, "She knows we are onto her.  She knows we are talking and this will make a difference."  She was a lovely lady and I was grateful to know we could talk.  I told her if Coulter did or does anything that I need to know about to please let me know.  We agreed to stay in touch.

Over the next few days I asked Coulter about the girl.  For a few days there wasn't much to report other than she wasn't bugging him.  A few days later, he reported that she sat as the same table as he did at lunch.  I asked, "How was she?" and he said, "Fine."  I asked, "Why do you think she was nice?" and he reported, "I think her mom scared the crap out of her." And then he laughed heartily. 

Since then I have talked to the mom who told me that her daughter said, "Coulter is actually pretty nice."  The mother also had an interaction with Coulter and reported that he was very polite and charming.  I told her,  "He better be or else.... "  We laughed.  

The rest of his week was great.  They all learned how to navigate the classroom and their day.  Coulter made a few friends and now has a new best friend, Lily.  There is lots of movement.  They get a full hour of recess daily.  The time spent learning is in bigger chunks and open to interpretatiion on how they learn. The Montessori method seems to be working for him.  

After being so concerned about where to send him and not knowing what to do to help him, I am grateful.  I am grateful we found a place where Coulter can be Coulter and not have to worry about being different or bullied.  I am grateful that he feels safe and secure.  I am grateful that he is strong and has a positive outlook.  I am grateful that Coulter can learn how he needs to learn.  So far it's all great.  I pray that it stays this way for him.  He is so much happier and that makes me smile.  He helps when I ask him to and has generally been agreeable.  This has been a great ride.  JOY!!!! ……that is what I have to say about my feelings for Coulter’s experience at his new school.  I'll keep you posted.  

Thursday, September 15, 2016

In the Groove

I have been "retired" again since April but it has taken until about now to get in the groove.  It was great to be home over the summer with my kids.  They needed me.  Now they're back in school and I have been figuring out my days.

Over the summer we spent lots of time around Portland.  I had intended to work all summer so I didn't plan any big trips.  Most summers that I have been home the kids and I go on at least one big road trip.  We talked about going up to Vancouver BC but in the end, the kids just wanted to be home.   Why spend the money and time if they weren't into it?  We spent time at beaches and swimming holes but mostly we were just hanging out.  It wasn't super productive but it was relaxing.  I would give this summer a B.

My biggest reason for quitting my job was that the kids were not thriving.  I know that we are very blessed to be in the situation that allows me to be home and I do not take that for granted one minute. When I was working, I just didn't have the energy to give to all three kids.  I got the basics done but that's about it. Here were the challenges of me being at work.....

Sophia - We live 100 feet from her high school.  I always planned on being "that house" for the kids and not being home with the teens was killing me.  The kids would come over every day for lunch.  There were between 7-10 kids daily and poor Sophia was trying to keep them in control, keep them cleaning up after them selves and not eat all our food.  It was stressful for her.  AND, when I got home from work and had to clean the kitchen before I could make dinner, I was not happy. They "tried" to clean but a teen's clean and mine are two different things.  I was tired and not in the mood to clean, make dinner, clean again, finish basic household duties and then finally sit down.  Most nights that I was working Bob and I would not sit down until 9 or 9:30 after straightening the house up after the kids.

Coulter - He is a pretty happy go lucky kid most of the time but he was depressed.  Beverly Cleary is an excellent school but it wasn't working for Coulter.  At Beverly Cleary School Coulter didn't have many friends.  As a matter of fact, he only had one.  That one friend didn't live in the neighborhood and wasn't returning to BCS in fall.  This was a very sad thing for Coulter.  He was being bullied and was an easy target because he is responsive.  He explodes and that is great fun for the kids causing the stress for him.  His teacher was so supportive but she had 34 kids in her class and couldn't protect him all the time.  He needs to toughen up a bit, I know that, but it was more than being tough, he was feeling broken.  The adults there kept an eye on him but there are more than 850 kids at BCS.

Kees - Well, he didn't say much about me working but when he did, he was sad.  He just missed me being here when he got home.  We used to go over his day and just snuggle on the couch most days.  He missed this tremendously.  He felt lost.

None of the three did their chores.  They are great kids but they just "forgot" or conveniently did other things.  When the cat is away.....  I get it.  Again, this is where Bob and I got so frustrated.  We would come home and nothing was done even though lists were left.  Finally, we hired a nanny to come and direct the kids.  It helped but they didn't like it much.  And, it was money that I was spending when I shouldn't have had to.  Mostly, I didn't like being mad and frustrated with the people I love the most.  These were not the interactions that I wanted the kids to remember.  It was not the parents Bob and I wanted to be.  Messes are acceptable but a messy house is not where I feel in control.  I was feeling more frustrated than love, I was feeling let down and I was feeling like I was letting my kids down.  We even went to counseling to try and figure out how to function as a family with two working parents.  It didn't work for us.

I left my job in April and I could see the difference in the kids immediately.  I was thrilled to be home for the kids and their friends.  The boys thanked me daily for weeks for being home.  They were truly, deeply happy about it.  Most of us never know if / how much our kids appreciate us.  Maybe they don't usually give it any thought but when things changed how they wanted it to, they knew it and said so.  Sophia was more subtle but she was happy I was home.

Sophia and her friends thought it would be a total bummer to have me here.  In fact, it gave them more freedom.  Where Sophia didn't want them getting into our food, I gave them leeway.  I bought stuff on sale, boxes of pasta, granola bars etc and created a "Teen Food" Box.  Anything in there is fair game.  Best of all, I got rid of my left overs. Teen boys will eat anything!   I could give rides, a couple bucks, some advice, a bit of support, but mostly, I set parameters.  I think all the teens were glad I was home giving them directions.  They are all here every day.  Now I am available for emotional support, food support, and neighborhood mothering.  It was my plan all along!  The kids don't even knock any more, they just walk in and yell, "Hey mamma Leek!"  I love it.  It's loud, messy and not cheap but it's totally worth it for us.

Kees has perked right up.  He is so helpful.  When I ask him to do anything, most of the time he just does it.  Talk about a kid who wanted direction. He is cheerful and is happy to have me walk him to school or home and we spend a little time cuddling most days.  He is still my baby and I am glad to give him the attention that he needs.

The biggest shift has been for Coulter.  Coulter was diagnosed with ADHD last year.  The meds he was on made him depressed though I am not sure it was the meds or his surroundings at school.  Eventually, we let him stop the meds.  I was so worried about him.  By the time we decided he really needed something different, it was too late to change schools as the lottery cutoff was over in March.  I started searching the District for a new school for him in April.  At this point it didn't matter what it was as long as it was different  His teacher suggested the Ivy School.  It was one of the options that I looked into and applied for.  He was number 5 on the waiting list.....  It was hard to know what to do.  If we couldn't find an alternative for him I even considered home-schooling him.  We waited all summer to hear from anyone.......  Three days before school started at BCS we got the email, "Coulter, you have been accepted to the Ivy School."  We were all thrilled, especially Coulter.

He started a week and a half after the other two so we got some quality time together and we both enjoyed that.  The extra time allowed him to volunteer at the school and get to know some of the adults.  He finally started last week and he is loving it! He is dealing with a couple difficult kids but he feels supported and cared for.  He takes the city bus to and from school or he can ride his bike, we practiced.  He is a different kid.  He is happy again and joyous.  He feels confident.  I am very hopeful for his future at the Ivy School.

For me, I am learning how to be a stay at home mom again.  Iva is the happiest to have me home.  We walk the kids to school or the bus stop, she runs in the park and follows me around the house. I think she is making sure I don't go back to work.  I have re-engaged with school advocacy.  I am on the Board of Community & Parents for Public Schools.  I have been asked to join a boundary review committee for the District.  I am merely a member of the PTA right now..... we'll see what happens there.  I will add things in as I see fit and when the kids need me, they come first.... community next.  I have been asked to do and be many things, but so far,  I am only doing what I want to do.

I am making dinner....most nights.  I am driving the kids to their lessons and sports.  I am parenting my three and about 15 other neighborhood kids.  I do laundry (the dryer is broken so it's taking forever to dry). I clean the kitchen three times per day and I am not mad about it.  I assign chores and they get done.  I do the shopping during the day.  I have had a couple lunches with friends too.

I am back home, I am happy, I am grateful and best of all, I am available for those that need me most. Yes, I am getting back in the groove and loving it!