You Are Worthy

I was watching the national news last night and listening to a few of the people who eulogized Whitney Houston.  Kevin Costner said that Whitney often asked, “Am I good enough?” When she auditioned for her role in The Body Guard she took note of what was wrong with her.  Her look wasn’t quite right.  She was unsure of her talent.  Could she sing what and how they wanted her to?  And that was Whitney Houston in her prime.   Do you remember how beautiful and full of life she was? Her voice was like nothing I had ever heard before.  Every note…..perfect.  I remember belting out a few of her songs in the 80’s when she was at the height of her career and I too had those feelings of inadequacy.  I think we all do.  And looking back….I was beautiful, talented and smart.  Why in the world would that girl be insecure?

When have you ever been at a funeral when someone said anything less?  People don’t talk about short comings or faults at funerals they always talk about how they loved the person and admired their talents.  That the person was so funny, smart, generous and loving.  They’re never mean, selfish, dumb and ugly. 

So why is it that most of us focus on what we perceive as our short comings?  We all do it and it’s a shame because it makes us feel unworthy, small, less than.  The truth of the matter is we came into this world perfectly who we are.  Yes, we are good enough. 

I think that if someone speaks about me they’d say I am funny….ah, because I am. I am funny, NOT silly, BIG difference.  I believe they’d say I was smart, generous, kind, artistic, creative, a loving parent and a good friend.  They might include a few of the following as well.  I enjoy a challenge.  I love creating.  I like to fix broken things if I can to forgo getting something new.  I am a good cook.  I throw great parties.  I can go with the flow and I am not a perfectionist.  I can handle good enough.  I am the one you want with you in a stressful situation.  I will make a decision when it needs to be made.  I am a good listener.  I believe I give good advice.  I am open to new ideas.  These are only a few of the things that I need to carry around with me and believe. 

I know all those things are true and yet, I focus on other things.  I need to be more organized, exercise more, start yoga and lose weight.  I know these things are important too but they are not what make me….ME.  Those are the things that support me in who I am.  They are “an exercise” in my life that supports my soul, who I really am.  I am all the things in the last paragraph.  I am not “lose weight” and “exercise more” I am kind and loving. 

We all need to focus on who we are not what we aren’t.  I am worthy.  You are worthy.  You know all your friends would say you are and those that wouldn’t are not to be trusted.  They don’t know you.  I know most of the people who read this blog and you are all worthy, kind, smart and generous your selves.  I know this because you are my friends and I only maintain friendships with those who are all those things.  Life is too short to waste my time on people who are not worthy of it.  I have tried to have friendships with people who weren’t as generous and kind and it is an exercise in frustration.  Their negative energy got entangled in my positive energy and it brought me down.  We’ve all had that friend that always has a problem or can pick you apart.  As I said above, we all know what our faults are, we don’t need reminding by a so called, “friend.”

Yes Whitney, you were good enough.  It is very sad that she is gone but I believe it all started with her insecurities.  Those are what will get you, eat at you.  If only there was a way to convey that message to her so that she truly knew it, felt it, owned it.  It may have changed her life and given her more time to shine. 

So please take note of you and I will take note of me.  You are awesome and I don’t mean that in high school vernacular, I mean that as in we were created by an awesome God and in his likeness.  We are to be held up and admired like the jewels we are.  We are beautiful, full of many facets all while we reflect the light all around us and in us.  WE ARE WORTHY!

California Dreamin'

Schooooollll zzzzout for the summah.... schoooollll zzzzout for evah. School got out on Tuesday, June 14th. We had a pretty good year but I can tell you this. We're going to have a fun summer.

First on the docket is SAN FRANCISCO. The past two years the kids and I have been in San Francisco in late August. This year my pal Sarah asked if we would want to drive down together in June. That sounded like fun. We planned this starting in like....February. We moved it a little forward, a little back and settled on June 16th. That gave us a full day to enjoy summer at home. Yep, that was enough. The weather sucked and it didn't in California.

We packed up on Wednesday night and told the Klines we'd pick them up at 9. I packed as if we were going to the Amazon. Because as anyone knows there are no clothing stores in the Bay Area or places to get snacks between Portland and San Francisco. This on top of the fact that I KNOW Sarah will pack tons of snacks too. But still I pack, pack, pack.

The kids and I are in the car by 8:45 and have everything ready to go with the Kline’s luggage loaded by 9:15. That’s pretty good in my book. With everything and everyone loaded we looked like the Clampetts. We were a total of 7 people, about 14 bags, coolers and back packs. Sarah said, “We may look like the Clampetts but we have better snacks!” Lord knows that’s right.

Our goal was to have the kids listen to books on tape instead of watching movies. They turn into total loons when they have watched TV all day. That, and with 5 kids it would be hard to satisfy all their wants as far as video entertainment.

The kids listened to Geronimo Stilton for a total of almost 7 hours. Seriously…. We fed them snacks, stopped when someone had to go to the bathroom and stopped at a play land place for a snack but other than that those kids were packed into the car for more than 8 hours. I miss calculated how far one of the play places was and we had to go forever!!!! And there wasn’t ONE complaint. Not one. After we hadn’t had a real meal in 5+ hours someone asked, “Are we gunna eat soon?” but that was it.

When we arrived in Redding California we needed a place to stay. We Yelped and figured Motel 6 would be good enough. When we pulled into the parking lot I took a wrong turn and ended up in the Red Lion Parking lot. While I was there I figured I could take a look. The rate was very reasonable and it included a full breakfast. SOLD!!!! The kids were really excited. A real hotel!

Everyone helped to unload and then it was into bathing suits. We were off to the pool and Sarah had a little surprise….SCOTCH!!!. Yippie! The kids all played in the pool, we chatted, made a plan for dinner and talked about the trip so far. Sarah said that she didn’t think that the kids would last with the books but that she was sold on the idea. She was pretty happy about how they were all behaving. After almost 2 hours in the pool it was dinner time.

We ordered take out from the Applebee’s across the street. When we brought it back the kids were finally plunked down in front of a movie with their dinner. After 10 minutes they finished their food and were bored with the movie so they came out on the lawn behind our room and ran around with flashlights. Lord knows what they were looking for but they sure had a great time doing it. Sarah and I sat out having another scotch and were so proud of our smalls. They were all being so fabulous, friendly with each other and just generally great. It was amazing.

We finally put them in bed around 11:30. Breakfast was then next time we got together. It was pretty good and everyone was happy with their food. We packed up and hit the road again by about 9:30. Again, more books on tape and happy smalls. Ahh, I love these little travelers.

We only had one potty break and everyone got out and ran around. So great. We arrived at my friend Nancy’s house around lunch time. All the kids got out, helped unload and then ran around for about a half hour. Sarah and Nancy got to talk a bit and get to know each other a little. Then I had to take Sarah and her kids to the BART for the next leg of their trip. They were off to the South of the city.

That was our trip down…. So far so good and we have amazing little travelers. I couldn’t be prouder of all 5 of our kids.

A Higher Class of Homeless

There has been so much going on. I’m not exactly sure what’s kept me from blogging but I have some suspicions. I’ve been climbing the stairs a LOT. I’ve been helping my brother with a fund raising effort. And I’ve been doing some volunteering. These few things have been taking the little time that I was blogging. I am going to continue to climb the stairs, it gives me energy, it’s good for me and I am committed to keeping my heart pumping. I owe it to myself and my family. I will still volunteer but I don’t think I can keep up with the fundraising. We’ll see. I enjoy it but it really takes a lot of energy.

I have been thinking about what is happening around me.

Last week I was at Starbucks getting my usual coffee. I talked to a very nice woman while I was waiting for my Americano. She was talking about getting warmed up since she had been outside for a while, that it has been a tough economy lately and that she was looking forward to spring. All this is regular conversation. The big difference between us was that she was homeless, wearing a plastic bag over her clothes and was talking about the camp where she was living under a bridge. She was grateful to have a dry place to sleep and 2 sleeping bags so that she could stay really warm at night.

If this woman was wearing a suit or jeans she would have looked and sounded like anyone else. She would blend in with most anyone in my neighborhood. It made me think, “I guess the up side of the crappy economy is higher class homeless people. Is that the sad silver lining?”

There are the regulars in Hollywood. There’s the guy who is “Too ugly to prostitute and is allergic to jail” on one corner, the woman with the cute dog that I have given dog food to and the artist who makes amazing drawings on card board. The last one has been offered help and a leg up with a graphic design firm….she never called or responded to the offer of help.

I don’t know, I haven’t been there but I believe there are some people that are comfortable in their situation. Actually, comfortable isn’t the right word but it’s what they know, where they know what to expect next and how to move through that world. It’s like someone in an abusive relationship. It’s scary to change from what you’re in even if it’s bad.

So that’s my take on the silver lining of our down economy. Look around and see what you think. I believe that there are highly educated people who can’t get a decent job and are therefore homeless. They don’t have the support that I have. In reality, how far are any of us from being homeless? It’s a lot closer than most of us would like to admit though most of my friends all have families and friends that would take care of them in a bad situation. That is most likely the difference between the woman at Starbucks and me. I am blessed.

I am blessed to have a successful husband both professionally and personally. I love him very much and he loves me. We have beautiful, healthy children. Our friends are like family and would take care of us if we needed them and we would do the same for them. That is what family does. And my family on all sides, they would help in a tough situation too. Yes, I am blessed.

I will be keeping my eye out for that woman at Starbucks. She seemed to have the smarts and wits to be successful though that summation was made in a couple of minutes. She did not seem to be “comfortable” as a homeless person but more of a homed person. Her grateful attitude was amazing and made me that much more aware of my blessings. I will continue to be grateful for my life as it is and keep the hope that the homeless population declines too. It’s time to get this country moving into the black and back into homes.