Tough Love?

Today is Friday the 14th of October. It is an in service day so my kids are out of school.  It is also the day my housekeeper comes. 

As most people who have a housekeeper know, you must clean the house for the housekeeper. Why?  Because if you have kids and they have toys there are toys all over the floor in their rooms and in the playroom. And if those toys have pieces, think Lego, Tinker toys, blocks, Playmobil, train sets etc. the housekeeper will just throw them into the closest bin of whatever.  The next time someone goes to use said toys the pieces are all over the place and mixed up with all the other toys.  That's no fun. So.....you need to make sure the toys are picked up and put in their proper place. Ultimately, it saves time and frustration. 

Two more pieces of information.  #1 - Sophia had a friend over to spend the night. #2 - It's hard for the housekeeper to clean the house when the kids are there.  Today I needed to make sure the house was picked up, that Sophia and her pal cleaned up their sleep over mess, that I had a plan that was fun for the kids and out of the house and that we were ready to walk out the door when the housekeeper got there at 10:00.  Check, check, check and check...... I thought. 

When the housekeeper arrived I needed to show her something upstairs. We went up and when I walked by Sophia's room it was a mess. There were clothes everywhere, art supplies all over and just general chaos. I had been trying to get everything in order for almost 2 hours. Her responsibilities were cleaning her room, cleaning up the sleepover stuff, eating breakfast (that I made), and getting dressed. This seemed reasonable for a 10 year old in a 2 hour time frame.  I was more than a little annoyed. This was about the 5th time I had asked her to get on it. 

When I came downstairs I yelled and told her to clean up her room. I said I was really mad. Then I went out to the car with the boys and left. I knew this would freak her out but I did it to make a point. It gave me space to calm down and made a point without yelling.  I'm sick of yelling.  I wasn't leaving for the day, I went to Starbucks and to the bank. Sophia, of course, thought I was so mad that we left for the day.

She called 3 times but my phone was in the car and the ringer was off. I called back within 2 minutes. I knew she'd be calling so I knew to check. She was hysterical.  She was sobbing and apologizing and begged me to come home. Of course I did. It was my plan all along. 

When I got home she was standing outside crying. "Mom, I'm so sorry. I'll do anything in the World to make it up to you....ANYthiiiiing." While a part of me was feeling really sorry for her, I remember being that sobbing 10 year old, the other part of me thought, "Good, I think she understood that I am serious."  It was nice to make a point without having to yell. 

During our car ride I talked to her. I told her that she needed to calm down. She said that when she called she thought I was driving and crying and that I had crashed. That's what she got out of me not answering my phone. I told her the reality was my ringer was off. 99% of the time that I didn't answer that was why.  She continued to be overly upset. I told her I was done and that she needed to calm down. I apologized for not telling her I was leaving. I told her I knew she was safe at home and that I needed a few minutes to calm down.  She finally did calm a bit.

When we arrived at the play place I held her hands, looked her in the eye and told her that no matter what I would always love her. I said that I don't like yelling and I needed a few minutes away to calm down myself. I expect to ask her to do things once and have that be respected. We then hugged. I asked her if we could start our day together over. She perked right up and said, "Good morning mom." and had a smile on her face. 

I don't know if I did the right thing. This is my first time being a mom, having 3 kids, having a girl and having a 10 year old. I know it's her job to subvert my ideas and requests and that it is and will be very frustrating. I know that in the years to come my frustration will increase before it decreases again.  I am doing the best that I can. I want to impress upon Sophia that I am serious without causing her harm.  I pray I did not cause her harm. I love her more than I ever understood a parent could love a child. I believe most parents feel the same way.  

I am trying to figure this parenting thing out and move through it with grace. Today I didn't have much grace.  And as soon as I think I've figured out how to work with Sophia, Coulter and Kees will be making me crazy. Actually they already have their moments. And if there ever comes a time when I think I have it all figured out they'll change or be off starting their own independent lives. 

We parents are challenged to do this job with essentially no training. We have only our parents as examples. Sometimes that's good and other times it isn't as helpful. 

When my generation was growing up the rules were different. Our parents could hit us or yell at us even out in public and no one even took notice.  The schools had a policy of corporal punishment and that was fine with our parents.  We were left in the car when they went into a store. I remember because one time I burnt my finger on the cigarette lighter in the car when I was 6. I never did tell my mom. We were left at home alone at a young age. We didn't attend music classes, gymnastics, horse lessons or much of any other lessons until we were at least in Jr. High. We walked to school alone or with a buddy and we did it in rain, snow, hail or heat and it didn't even occur to us to call a parent to pick us up.  We spent our summers outside from breakfast to dinner time. Our parents didn't know where we were or what we were doing. We climbed trees and took risks that would have made our parents throw up if they saw the danger we were in. We didn't use sun screen or hand sanitizer.  We talked to strangers. We threw rocks and pine cones at each other and used garbage can lids as shields.  Yes, yes, it was a different time.

So many of these things would be illegal today. Most of it would not be tolerated by society. I get sideways looks for letting Sophia climb tall trees. Please, I was a champion tree climber. I get it. 

So all that information is just to point out that it's different now.  That the "training" we received doesn't necessarily apply to our kids. And, it was that way for our parents. When my mom was a kid she started working. There was nothing wrong with child labor. So they did the best they could while raising us as well. 

I know this has been a lot of rambling but I needed to write it all down. I want to be a loving, helpful mom and I also want respect. I don't want to yell but I do want to make my point. I need help from my kids with their things and our house. I want them to have fun but I want them to understand that their fun takes my time, money, patience and love. I am not going to a play place because it's fun for me. I am going because I love them. I do not want the process of going to the place to be excruciating. What will not be fun for me anyway becomes almost unbearable if they don't cooperate.  That is what I want them to know.  And I do believe that Sophia will be very cooperative the next time we are headed out to do something fun.