Naked Party!

Kees had a play date with one of his buddies this week. It was Monday afternoon and it’s a standing gig….a play date with Lisa. This week it was our turn to host.

I picked up Kees and Lisa from school at noon. They both snacked on their lunches for a while and then I gave them a bit more. There were lots of laughs and jokes, 5 year old jokes. They were having a fine time. After eating they played in the office for a bit and eventually went upstairs to play.

They played for almost an hour. It was ruckus time. I decided it was time for me to have lunch. I made a bowl of soup and sat down in front of the TV. I needed a break. As I sat there I listened for the kids….not a peep. As any parent knows, if there is no noise they are into something they shouldn’t be. This is true about 99% of the time, the other 1% of the time they have fallen asleep. There is NO in between, none.

I waited about 3 minutes hoping that there would be some noise so I could finish my lunch….but there wasn’t any. Damn. I started up the stairs quietly. And then I remembered that they are 5 and wouldn’t be able to a) pull it together fast enough if they heard me and b) that they were probably so engrossed in whatever they were doing that they wouldn’t hear me.

I got to the top of the stairs and turned into the boys’ room. They had built a fort on Kees’ bed. Kees noticed me and ducked down. I heard, “Hey, smell my butt.” GROSS!! I reached up and yanked the top of their fort off. Lisa, pants down, stared at me WIDE EYED! Kees had on shorts. I guess it wasn’t his turn. I said, “Both of you put your clothes on and come down stairs NOW!” I needed to buy some time.

Kids do this. They’re curious. Neither Sophia nor Coulter ever did it as far as I know and I don’t think I am any smarter now than I was then.

Kees, he’s his own dude. He doesn’t care much about the rules because, duh, they don’t apply to him. When I say, “Eat your dinner.” he hears, “Sophia and Coulter, eat your dinner. Kees, you just sit there make stupid noises.” When he’s in trouble he doesn’t care. He gets a smirk on his face and has an expression that says, “Whatcha gunna do? I dare ya.” He has no concern and knows that the trouble is temporary. He can wait it out.

Sophia and Coulter both are very concerned when they get in trouble. They hear me and respond appropriately. Kees….not so much. And while the things that he does now aren’t so bad he needs to know that I mean business. What if he carries this attitude into high school? I’ll be screwed, that’s what.

I need to respond appropriately, I don’t want to scare them but I do want them to know that private parts are just that, private. They sit on the couch. Lisa sits right next to Kees. I tell her to move to the other end of the couch. She is wide eyed and is responding just as most kids would. She’s freaked out that I caught them. Kees, he’s doing the half smirk thing. “Kees, this is serious!” He doesn’t care. I launch into my lecture.
“No one but you or the doctor (when you’re 5) touches your PRIVATE parts.” I tell them that this is serious and that they can’t be trusted. I ask them what we’re going to do about this. They don’t know.

I decide I’ll call Lisa’s mom. “Hello, Sarah? This is Heather. I need to tell you what our kids were doing. They made a fort and were taking their clothes off and touching each other.” She bursts into total hysterics. I say, “Sarah, this is really serious.” OK honestly, I think it’s kinda funny too but I am sitting in front of them. I stand up and walk away quickly. I CAN’T LAUGH! I walk into the office and whisper, “You’re not supposed to laugh because you’ll make me laugh.” She’s still laughing and says, “I’m glad it was at your house and not mine.” Yeah, me too, NOT! She, jokingly says, “I’m sure it was all Kees’ idea. My daughter would never do that.” She’s still laughing. I tell her, “See you in a bit.” and hang up. All my friends know that, “My kid(s) would never do that.” is a total farce. Only ignorant parents think their kid is above doing wrong. Those of us living in reality know better.

Kees and Lisa sat on the couch for almost an hour. I didn’t make them but I didn’t release them either. After an hour Kees got up. Lisa was right behind. I told them they had to play in the office because I had to keep an eye on them. They both said, “We won’t do it again.” but again, I had to let them know that I thought this was serious.

When Sarah arrived, Lisa was right at the door and said, “Can we go now?” and lunged for the door. She didn’t have on shoes, didn’t have her lunch box nuthin’. Sarah, knowing the deal just told her that she had to get her stuff together. We chatted. All is well. Kids do that blah, blah, blah.

Later on I made Kees tell his daddy what happened. I told Bob that he HAD to act like this was serious. They talked.

I have since talked to Kees and told him that I was disappointed and that if he was going to do that kind of stuff I couldn’t trust him. He finally, after a couple hours of me repeating that it was serious in various ways, seems to be understanding that it is serious. He needs to respect his private parts and other’s. They are not for sharing…..yet. I did leave the “yet” part out.

It’s fine line. I don’t want him to be ashamed but I also don’t want him sharing his private parts. I especially want him to know that it’s really not OK for anyone else to touch his private parts. He doesn’t understand all that and it’s my job to protect him.

This whole job would be a lot easier if our kids could respond the same way, follow instructions and stay out of trouble, but they don’t. I am hoping that the naked parties are over for now. I don’t need any kid naked parties in my house for at least 15 more years. Lord help me….