T'weens! Just a Bit Annoying!!!!!!

#1 - Kids are a total blessing and ALWAYS a joy.

a) All the time
b) Some of the time
c) Rarely
d) Most of the time but they are tons of work (caveat - only if you want them to turn out as healthy adults). They can create tons of extra work for you and can test your friendships with even your best mom friends.

Hummmm.....Let me think this through. I'll get back to you with my answer.

I will start this with the most important facts. I LOVE MY DAUGHTER!!! She is terminally cool. She is smart. Sophia amazes me with her bright personality, her compassion for others and for how much she loves her brothers. She is loving and I like being around her.

Of course that is most of the time......... The other times are more challenging.

Sophia has a temper. When she is out of balance her temper runs short REALLY SHORT. I get it, so does mine. Unfortunately she has not learned all of her life skills yet. I guess that is where I am supposed to step in and teach her, and man, have I been stepping in lately.

It's a long story but in short, Sophia has a new friend, Carlie. They have been BFF for 2 weeks now. I know this negates the second "F" but they are having a preteen love affair and for them it seems like forever from here on out. This is not the problem. The problem is that Sophia has been spending less time with her long time buddies.

One of the great things about Carlie is that she loves horses and is still willing to play horses. At almost 9, it's pretty cute that they still love to pretend. Apparently at recess they play either horses or doggies. Two of Sophia's long time buddies are Amelia and Claire. They are feeling left out. Three days ago Claire asked Sophia to play at recess. Sophia was already playing doggies with Carlie so she said, "We're playing doggies. You can either be a dog or an owner." Claire had another plan and said, "I want to go on the tire swing." Sophia declined since she was already engaged. Claire said, "Can we play tomorrow?" To which Sophia replied, "Maybe. I'll try." (At least this is what she reported to me.) The problem is Claire heard, "Yeah. Tomorrow." There in lies the problem. I don't know what was actually said but that is what they each said they said. (That is a bad sentence.)

The next day I was doing pick up for the girls. I had Sophia and Amelia already and then Claire came down the ramp.

The first thing she said to Sophia was, "You lied! You said you'd play with me today and you didn't. You're a liar."

Sophia, looking stunned, said, "I didn't lie. I said that MAYBE I would play with you."

Claire - "Naught ahhh, you said you'd play with me and you lied."

Sophia - "No I didn't. I said maybe."

Claire - "No you didn't. You lied."

I stepped in.... "Claire, I know you're upset but you can't call people names. We can discuss this. Tell me what happened and we'll see if we can figure this out."

Claire explained to me the situation as described above and in her story Sophia promised to play with her. Then she went back to calling Sophia a liar. I stopped her again saying that she can't call people names and then I asked Sophia what happened. She, of course, told us that she hadn't promised to play. I said that obviously we had a miscommunication and we needed to move past it. Claire stopped calling Sophia a liar but by the way she looked at Sophia I could tell she was still really frustrated. Sophia may have said, "yes" to playing the next day with out really thinking it through. We'll need to work on that. We rode to Amelia's house where we dropped off Amelia and Claire.

Last week Sophia had an issue with Amelia. Honestly, I don't remember most of the details but it was mostly a miscommunication. Amelia was complaining to her mom, Mary Ann, and Sophia was complaining to me. Sophia told me that Amelia was giving her the "evil eye" and she didn't like it. She she told Amelia to stop staring at her and Amelia would say, "I'm not looking at you." Then they would get in a pissing contest. I will say that I have seen Amelia do this. She may not know she's doing it but I can see Sophia's point. Amelia was still saying that she wasn't looking at Sophia. They carried this around for a week. It was really annoying to Mary Ann and me.

Mary Ann had also shared with me that Sophia had been sassy to her earlier in the week. I had heard this a few times from Mary Ann. I know Sophia can be strong willed but I was surprised. I told Mary Ann that she has full permission to correct Sophia's behavior if she is acting out.

Mary Ann and I decided that we would sit the girls down on Friday after school and straighten this out. Friday afternoon, we sat the girls down and told them that they needed to get over it and work things out. We can help them with the big problems but they need to work on the little problems them selves. We said that we were friends and were going to continue to be so they needed to get along. I told Sophia that she needed to listen to Mary Ann when she was with her. I explained that when she was with Mary Ann that she was responsible for her well being both physically and emotionally. Mary Ann said the same goes for Amelia when she is with me. The girls worked it out, they played and then had a sleep over. Great.

Saturday morning Mary Ann brought Sophia home. Mary Ann reported that Sophia was bent out of shape when she was leaving their house and reported that Sophia said, "I just want a play date with Carlie anyway." Sophia was upset because she had 10 pages of homework to do when she got home. She had been complaining about this homework for 2 full days already. I think her statement was driven by her frustration. None the less, it was inappropriate. Up until that point everything had been fine.

Now, back to the day when Claire and Sophia were arguing. I took them both to Mary Ann's house where she was going to take Amelia and Claire to gymnastics. Pam, Claire's mom, was to pick them up from gymnastics. On the way home the girls were talking and said Sophia was being mean. Claire said that Sophia had yelled at her and Reed, her brother, on Movie Night (We had Movie Night at our house on Saturday Night). I was here during Movie Night and - a) didn't hear a disturbance and b) didn't get a report from anyone that Sophia was yelling.

Pam talked to Mary Ann. Mary Ann called me to give me a "heads up" telling me that Pam was going to talk to me. Again with Mary Ann telling me my kid is misbehaving. I lost it. I said, "Mary Ann, it can't all be my kid. I know Sophia can be difficult but really it just can't all be Sophia." We talked for a while longer and I said, "Thanks for the heads up." but I was still frustrated by more drama!

At pick up I talked to Pam. She talked about Saturday Night (she wasn't' there on Sat.) I told her no one had reported any trouble and if they did I would have helped them work it out. I told her to tell her kids that if they need help working things out, and their parents aren't there, they can come to me. She said thanks and that we could talk about it more later. The kids were standing right there so that was pretty much the end of it. I think we are clear about that but we didn't get to talk about the "liar" situation.

When we got home with Amelia in tow Sophia and Amelia were not talking. I don't know why but they weren't. Amelia said she wanted to wait outside for her mom. I asked Sophia if she knew what was going on. She said she had asked Amelia to come in and play but she didn't want to. After I insisted a few times Amelia came in. Then she went to the basement. I told Sophia, who was sitting at the dinning room table, to go down and ask her friend to play. She did. Amelia was playing blocks with Coutler and declined the invitation. I said that was fine and I was glad she made the effort. I explained that when a guest is in your house you need to make them feel welcome.

Mary Ann came to pick Amelia up and then I had a talk with Sophia. I told her that she needed to start taking care of her issues with her friends. I explained that I have my own problems and I can't be stepping in to "fix" her problems too. I also explained that her issues with her friends were starting to really upset me and cause stress in my friendships with her friend's parents. Then I told her that she needed to figure out how to repair her friendships with both Claire and Amelia and call them immediately. She understood.

She called Claire and left a message. Then she called Amelia and worked things out. A bit later Claire called back. I overheard Sophia say, "Claire, when you called me a liar that hurt my feelings." They went back and forth for a moment and then I heard Sophia say, "Claire, CLAIRE! OK. Let's just say that is the past and this is the future. Let's just forget about it and be friends now." Then there was some agreeable conversation.

When she hung up I called her in. I said, "WOW Sophia. That was great! You did a really good job! I am very impressed with how you handled that." I explained what "Let's let by gones be by gones" means and "Let's agree to disagree." I told her how you can disagree with someone and still be friends. You have to learn how to work around those issues. We all have to learn this at some point or we'd have NO friends. Additionally, she is potentially going to be around these kids for the next 9 years so they better learn to get along.

I have talked to Mary Ann and we have worked our stuff out. I apologized for being snappy the other day. Mary Ann is a good friend and I told her I did not want those kids to come between us. I told her what I told Sophia and explained that I was going to lean on Sophia to solve her own problems. Of course I'll be there to help her learn and figure things out but for the most part she needs to think about and solve most of her friend issues on her own. Mary Ann agreed whole heartedly and said she had a very similar conversation with Amelia.

I am exhausted just writing about it. I know this post is long and drawn out but believe me, the real life thing seemed like forever. I pray we are nearing the end of all this silly drama. I am over it! We need our village to get back to functioning as a calm and collective whole. AND our girls need to learn these life skills. I think Sophia is getting it. Mary Ann and I have many more years that we need to spend together too. My "Momma Bear" came out when she was trying to be proactive and let me know about a situation. At least now Mary Ann and I are on the same page and I am grateful for her friendship and patience. Like my daughter, I can pounce when pressed. I pounced too soon.

So I'll bet you can figure out the answer to my original question. Hell yeah it's "D." I love you Sophia.