Divorce....

No we are not getting divorced! But I have seen a lot of it over the past couple years and it got me thinking. Why now?

Is it like the 7 year itch? Apparently, some people get in "itch" in or around the 7th year of marriage and decide...."It's not for me." and get out. So is it when the oldest kid hits about 7 when they start thinking, "This isn't working out very well." I'm just curious.

I need to say before addressing this further that getting divorced can be one of the hardest and bravest things you can do for yourself and your children. I am not against divorce. In some instances it is really necessary. Heck, I know people that are divorced who get along much better when they are not living together. They manage their time and lives better and their children feel loved and cared for. So this post isn't a judgement by any stretch it's just something I have been thinking about.

I have one friend who is recently separated. She and her husband swap their time at their family home. The kids stay put and the parents move in and out. The kids have the constant of their home and have a parent at home with them every day. I can't tell you how impressed I am with that. Their kids seem to be as "OK" with the situation as can be. I have spent time with them and they are as stable and happy as any kids. It's still tough but from my point of view it seems very controlled and well thought out. Like they are working together for their kid's benefit.

I have a couple friends who have decided to separate but are living together until the house sells. That seems damn near impossible to me. Maybe they get along well enough but if I were in that situation I'd want out. Once the decision is made I'd want to move on it.

And yet another friend who finally, after 2+ years of battling with her now "X" is divorced. That was a tough one. He couldn't see the problems. He was/is a total control freak, over bearing and apparently, totally blind to his part in the problem. She was very brave and amazingly strong to withstand his attacks. He would write her a love note and then turn around and scream at her in the same day. Talk about mixed messages. I know he was hurting but he didn't handle himself well at all. They are still working on how to best handle their kids. She has custody, thank goodness but the kids still have to move every other weekend to stay with their dad. In this case she could not trust him in her house.

So those are just 3 instances of friends recently divorced or friends that are in the process. And they all seem to have started when their oldest kids were about 7-8. Why is that? Is it a kid 7 year itch? Is that about the amount of time it takes to develop one way or the other?

I will say that life before kids was much different. It was all about what I wanted, what Bob wanted. And we could do it when ever and where ever we wanted. We both worked so financially we were doing pretty well. Heck, the year before we had kids we went on some long weekend vacation every month! A few trips included, Baseball Training Camp in Arizona, Hawaii for 6 days, Blacksmith Camp, and Christmas Shopping in San Francisco....all just because we could.

Now we stay closer to home for the most part. There are WAAAAYYYY more chores. Man kids are messy. They are just getting into soccer and I know that is going to be crazy when they're all playing. School, camps, sports, clubs, extra classes and then laundry and meals all between everything else. It doesn't leave a lot of time for reading, working out, or just sitting down and relaxing. Bob and I are lucky that we get to spend time together every day. After the kids go to bed it's our time. We don't do laundry or clean we just sit and talk or watch TV but we do it together. Yes, it's different but for us it's good. We need to always make time for each other. I think sometimes people forget to do that. That and we need to make time for our selves. I am not very good at that. I always feel like there is something else I should be doing. As I type this I am thinking that maybe my time would be better spent unloading the dishwasher. Maybe in 10 years I'll look back at this and be glad that I didn't unload the dishwasher right now because I will still have a little piece of that 45 year old self.

So what do you think it is? Is it an itch? Not taking time for each other? Are we getting lost? You know, loosing our identity to the house, chores, kids, tasks? I see this happen where some people feel like they are drowning in their marriage and have to get out to save themselves both for them and their children. Have we out grown that other person? Did couples just grow apart? Did our picture of this time look different and now we're disappointed with the situation? Did our ideals change? Do they want something different now? Did some just change their minds? What do you think? What have you experienced?

Let me know what you think because I am really perplexed by all the divorce right now. Again I will say that I am not against divorce. In the 3 situations I described above all are for the best. The parties involved are all better off. It's the timing and reasons that I am curious about.

I am looking forward to your input. In the meantime I think I'll unload that nagging (and always full) dishwasher.